Last year was a fight. Fight against my slavery to anxiety and depression. Fight against my slavery to my ego, against my will to do things I wanted, but what I wanted was wrong, I wanted to feed my ego. My ego didn’t get enough food, always wanted more and more. And I got sunk to my depression and anxiety, hurting myself, my family and my sorroundings.
I finally figured it myself, no one could actually tell me what was wrong in the first place. The reason I was keep feeding my ego was my thought I was not getting enough attention, I’m special, which is not, I’m suprerior, which is not. So I compencated by feeding myself with false thoughts and deeds. I got used to that in time, find myself lonely and anxious, climbing on trees, and watching the Baltic sea to relax myself as a child, then as an adult, a man with a family closing in my room, or oversleeping, being anxious on my free days with my family. My ego was fed, but I was not happy. I found another place to keep feeding my ego, by abusing my will, keep telling myself, that I’m right about doing whatever I keep doing about everything, thoughts, feelings, love and deeds.
To get out of this loop I had to find the initial cause, and correct my new action plan to get out of anxiety and depression. First I treated my anxiety by taking some pills and meditating, this relaxed me. When I was relaxed I could think, why I do what I do? Why I keep hurting myself and others by behaving like an egoist. The answer came from an article I read about anxious partners in relationship, who are closed in themselves – and then it hit my. I’m anxious, and I’m closed in myself. I need to open and stop feeding my ego, this is the solution. Once I realized that, new hope opened in me. I hope the next 2015 year would give me tools and strength to deal with my depression and anxiety. Be healthier again, happier and bring stability to me and my family in all aspects – because I deserve it.
